Spectations

A study, of words, in crimson, sometimes blue, rarely yellow.

Archive for the tag “wisdom”

“What does it f…

“What does it feel like to be alive?
Living, you stand under a waterfall. You leave the sleeping shore deliberately; you shed your dusty clothes, pick your barefoot way over the high, slippery rocks, hold your breath, choose your footing, and step into the waterfall. The hard water pelts your skull, bangs in bits on your shoulders and arms.
The strong water dashes down beside you and you feel it along your calves and thighs rising roughly backup, up to the roiling surface, full of bubbles that slide up your skin or break on you at full speed. Can you breathe here? Here where the force is the greatest and only the strength of your neck holds the river out of your face. Yes, you can breathe even here. You could learn to live like this. And you can, if you concentrate, even look out at the peaceful far bank where you try to raise your arms. What a racket in your ears, what a scattershot pummeling!
It is time pounding at you, time… Knowing you are alive is watching on every side your generation’s short time falling away as fast as rivers drop through air, and feeling it hit.”

– Annie Dillard

Monologue [Survive]

There’s always laughter to be had, also to be dealt. But what do you do when there is no longer any laughter left in your soul? I was not made to be bound to one place, one emotion. Maybe to one person, but even that is not apparent at the moment. I was made to travel, to walk on air. But what do you do when you can’t find the key to the shackles around your ankles? I was made to love, maybe to be love also – but that’s a matter for another time, another moment of rambling honesty. I was made to close my eyes, blind myself to the world and to walk the path that my heart saw. But what do you do when your heart can’t find its bearings either?

What do you do when you’re standing in the middle of nowhere, without a compass, without a friendly face, without a clue and without a soul? What do you do when you’re whole life turns upside down and still nothing good comes into view?

You push on. You close your eyes, spin on your toes and start walking in whatever direction you find. You keep walking until your feet bleed and your heart aches. And you keep walking until you see the finish line, until you see the prize. You don’t cry, you don’t break down – that is not allowed. You stay strong, you prove people wrong. You become the foundation and the legend built on top of it. You tap into the hollows left by your soul and find the crumbling pieces of your sanity and glue them together to make hope. You persevere. And you live, even if that is a life lived on the fringes, on the edges of reality.

And you survive – until that is all you know how to do.

12 a.m.

At 12 AM, when my mind is swimming with a thousand regrets,
And I can’t stop the tears from falling,
That’s when I wish for you, from the bottom of my heart,
For you to whisper, “All is forgiven, darling.”

Two Questions

I had to go through mock interviews a couple days back as part of a mandatory exercise for all graduating students. As part of the last minute information-swap that students do, we were all asking each other a bunch of questions that are generic to interviews. Two questions stood out for me & I couldn’t think of a concrete answer.
1. Define yourself.
Now this is a tricky question. I can ramble on and on about myself to people who couldn’t be less concerned but when it actually counts, I’m at a loss of words. And I think this happened to everyone. I thought about it before the interview and the only things I came up with are the general terms that everyone uses; confident, problem-solver, team-player, people person.
But who am I really? I sat down to think about it and all the things that I came up with were nothing that the interviewers wanted to hear, because they are totally unrelated to my degree program or the IT industry in general.
So, who am I?

  •  I’m a reader. I can’t live without books. 95% of the time I can’t even step out of the house without a book tucked into my bag, my one defense against loneliness. The book is the one companion that won’t leave me or won’t stand me up.
  • I’m a writer. I love the feeling of pen/pencil between my fingers. It is the one kind of innovation that I’m moderately good at. I can put my thoughts into words and then put those words out into the world. And that is more than most people can manage.
  • I’m an “imaginer”. I have always had a wild imagination. I might have never gone on an actual hike, but in my mind I’ve travestied across dense African jungles and frozen landscapes.
  • I’m a believer. I believe in things – some true, some merely rumor and some wild ramblings of a half-mad mind. It is incredibly easy to fool me into believing something – especially when that ‘something’ revolves around the people I fancy. And I believe in the impossible, the improbable, because my faith tell me that my God is bigger than any impossibility.
  • I’m a child-of-the-universe. Aren’t we all? I’m a student of the human condition. I try to understand what drives people to action, and what dulls them down to do nothing. I try to understand how each event carries so much weight that we have a whole phenomenon to define this.

2. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Honestly, how do you answer that question? For me, the answer changes every 6 months. People might call my confused, and I’m pretty sure I fit the general description. But I’m not confused, I’m just dynamic. My mind is filled with so many possibilities; I don’t know which one to wholly pursue. And for a person who says they don’t put much stock in what people say, I get deeply upset when someone tells me I can’t achieve something. Half of me wants to prove them wrong but the other half just wants to forget everything and move onto the next ‘big’ thing.
When I was in high school, I wanted to open my own software house. I had the name picked out and a design that would pass for a logo. Then I wanted to start writing my own column for a newspaper. Then I wanted to start my own e-magazine. Lately, I’m thinking I should open my own café/bakery.
But where I really see myself in 5 years is in some exotic location, carrying out the grandest of adventures – A World Tour. I still haven’t worked out where the money for such an endeavor would come from, but I don’t think I should stifle my imagination with such trivialities right now.

These two questions baffled me ever since a fellow asked me before the interviews began. I couldn’t answer them at the time because I kept thinking I should find an answer that would please the people around me, and I wasn’t really thinking about being truly honest with myself. I came up with these answers right now within seconds. And I had to write them down, because I feel the next time someone asks, I should answer properly. It might be the answer they’re looking for, and it might not satisfy them. But at least I’ll know I was honest with myself.

Rescue Me.

What is the meaning of this plasticity? Why are we surrounded by such mockery of the truth? Where are the friends who would not leave and lovers who would not sway? Where are the moments of glory and the passion for honor? Where are the morals? Where is the sincerity of purpose?

 Where is the love for beauty? Where is the love for words? Where is the passion for language? Where is the lust for adventure?

 Rescue me from this insincere world. Rescue me from all these people who would make a mockery of my sincerity. Rescue me from the faithless who point and whisper, “God shall never forgive you, sinner!”

 Rescue me from this plasticity, this façade, this folly. Take me instead to winter’s end, take me to where the Sun shines shamelessly on a river of gold, & where monotony doesn’t tire the soul. Take me instead to where friends are loyal, lovers passionate and God forgiving.

Take me, instead, to truth.

Home.

Home. That’s where I want to be. A place where I’m not ridiculed or demeaned; a place where what I say is heard and what I do is seen.

Home; a place where my heart is, where my soul is at peace.

But what is home? Out of all the millions of definitions that each one of us would give it, which one sticks as universal? What is this place where we all want to be, this place that we’re all searching for but can’t seem to find? Is it a place, a feeling, or a purpose maybe? Maybe it’s just a thought, an illusion that we’ve conjured up, a motivational tool for when the going gets too tough.

Does “home” even exist in this plane, in this universe? Maybe it is somewhere beyond; beyond reach, beyond imagination but never beyond hope.

Home is where I want to be right now; at peace with myself, at peace without.

Home is where I want to be.

On the Eve of Every Tomorrow

Image

On the eve of every tomorrow, I will light a candle for you; in case you decide to come home that night.

On the eve of every tomorrow, I will keep the door unlocked; in case confronting is shames you.

But on the eve of every tomorrow, I will not stay up waiting; in case you decide to kill the dream once again.

True Irony

Have you ever wished someone so much unhappiness that you wish to see them break down, fall to their knees & cry like a child in front of you? Have you ever wished someone so much pain that every morsel of your soul wants to see them only suffer & burn? Have you ever wished someone so much hate that you wanted everyone to look at them with disgust & foreboding?

I have.

& all this usually comes after you’ve wished someone all the happiness, all the love & all the respect this world has to offer, after you’ve loved so much that only God could take it out of your heart, after you’ve been broken so badly that only God might put you together, but He is busy with so many other tormented souls.

But what’s worse, when you wish them all the unhappiness & the pain in the world, they usually are rewarded with it. & seeing them breaking down & suffering, you can never truly be happy either.

That is the whole point of irony, I guess.

Red

There were echoing screams in her head as she ran; ran past the houses, past the fences, past the trees, into the perfect round clearing, lit by the moon, surrounded in a perfect circle with solemn blood-red roses, & in the middle of the clearing, she kneeled, & cried out to the Heavens, “Why?”. She screamed until there was no more air in her lungs, she screamed until she was sure the Heavens had heard her.

 & a breeze blew, soft & gentle, cool as the moonlight shining on her skin, & she knew then Heaven wasn’t alone in hearing her cries. & without even turning around, she knew he had come for her. & without a question, she gave her soul away.

 & that night, the Heavens wept.

So I’ve Been Thinking…

Maybe what I’m doing isn’t right, maybe it’s the worst thing ever. Maybe I’ll let you people be the judge… Or maybe not. *Puts on game face.* Because you see, people only judge you by projecting their own thoughts on to you.

Yes, these are teenage revelations! *blah* What do you expect from me?! I’m mentally still 16!

BEWARE! Ranting(s) ahead. Proceed with caution.

But I hate the world & all those people who judge other people only because they don’t fit their own weird definition of normal. I’m NOT normal, I’ve never been. I don’t like being normal either. Normal sucks, big time. *bout of imaginary vomiting* I haven’t even wanted to be one-with-the-crowd since I was in 5th grade. What stirred this rebellion inside my, at that time, kid brain, is a completely different story. But I knew then *drum roll* that I would never be a part of the crowd, no matter what kind of a crowd it is.

So what if I’m fat?!

So what if I can say what’s on my mind & not be ashamed of it?!

So what if I don’t have my own personal agenda?!

So what if my life does not revolve around how I look like when I leave home in the morning?!

So what if I don’t care what people think about me?!

Here’s the deal: SEE.IF.I.CARE!

& really, if any one of you smartasses comes up with the “clever” retort that I would not have had the need to shout all this out to the world if I actually didn’t care, well, you can just reserve your comments for a better, sportier audience! *glares*

I’m a one-of-a-kind person. Yes, you may argue that we are all different in some way & bla bla bla. But, really, go rain on someone else’s parade. I don’t need people to tell me what I can’t handle or who I’m not or what I couldn’t possibly do! They should all realize that they are posing me with challenges I have no time to punch down BECAUSE I actually have a life!

Haven’t I just made your day? This is after all what you wanted to read, wasn’t it? My thoughts. That is why you are on this page, right now, right here, in this glorious moment. You have been saved. Your soul has been salvaged. You are now a (little bit more) free (than you were 5 minutes ago, assuming that’s how long it took you to read this) person!

You all make me proud! I make me proud! *victory dance*

& now for some more… zzzZZZzzz

(With that I shall be leaving you in the dark, till my creative bug bites again!)

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